Over

Here it is, welcome again to the college life! My holiday didn't seem like a real holiday, though I had gone to the several cities, but still, I had to deal with those unfinished business and went to campus almost every day. And yeah, yesterday we had a big event -national event I might say- and it was pretty fun and exciting. I had a little crush on one of the delegates hahaha but that's all. End of story.

For some points, my awkwardness is getting worse. I tended to be more quiet, especially on meeting some new people. Even with my friends, it looks more awkward than usual. Maybe it's because I haven't seen them for a long time cause I wasn't one of the officials on 'that' event. I think my social anxiety is driving me in to the black hole (?)

Remembering a past moment, I did something wrong with my family and they were super angry. They told me ALL of my faults, and yeah, it did hurt. That was the point where I really really hate myself. FYI, I hate myself until now. I mean, that's good when I have someone as a reminder when I am doing wrong. But realizing all of the mistakes I've made, I don't know, I feel pathetic to myself.

I've been trying to be good, but it turns out my good isn't good enough for them. And then I hate myself even more cause I never be that good. My anxiety slowly kills me and I'm done trying to stop it. I can't trust anyone, not even myself. I just feel numb lately.

I think I need a psychiatry. I need someone to take me back into reality. Help me.